The Figgis Agency Cooks
by Red Witch
Summary: In order to save her marriage, Mallory gets the Figgis Agency to take a cooking class with her and Ron.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters got burned. So while Archer was having his adventures in Dreamland, what kind of adventures were the rest of the Figgis Agency having? Here's one that came out of my tiny little mind. See if you can catch the tiny little connection to Arrested Development.**

 **The Figgis Agency Cooks **

"What is she **doing**?" Cheryl was stunned.

"What does it **look like** she's doing?" Ray asked angrily.

"I see it but I don't believe it," Pam remarked.

"I gotta admit this is a bit shocking," Lana said. "Not as shocking as Krieger's stupid robots…"

"How many times do I have to apologize for **that?** " Krieger snapped. "But yeah this is weird."

"Very weird," Cyril blinked.

The gang was standing in Mallory's office. Mallory was at her desk eating a sandwich and a salad. She had finished pouring a drink of scotch and put the empty bottle in the trash along with a previous bottle.

"Is she actually **eating?** " Cheryl gasped.

"Will wonders never cease?" Ray whistled.

"Not to tiny minds like yours," Mallory grumbled as she finished her drink. "God I hate you people…"

"That's real food isn't it?" Cyril asked.

"Oh yeah it's real," Pam nodded. "Trust me."

"We kind of do in these situations," Ray quipped.

"Take a picture, why don't you?" Mallory snapped.

To this Pam actually took a picture with her cell phone. "No way Archer is going to believe this without proof!"

"It's a chicken panini with a salad!" Mallory snapped. "I'm not exactly competing at Nathan's Hot Dog Stand at Coney Island!"

"Still…" Pam stared at Mallory with awe.

"Now I remember why I prefer to **eat out** for lunch!" Mallory grumbled as she pulled out a third bottle of scotch and poured another drink. "Anything to get away from you slack jawed slackers!"

"Okay **that's** normal," Pam said to the others.

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.

"Nothing odd about that," Cyril agreed.

"Mallory is something going on?" Lana asked. "Besides Archer being in a coma?"

"Because we all know that isn't a problem for you," Cheryl quipped.

"Is it my fault that Sterling's had so many blackout drunks I'm **used** to it?" Mallory shouted. "God now that I think about it being in a coma is just like any other vacation for him! He's passed out and I have to pay for it! Only this time there's a lot less damage."

"Mallory what's going on?" Lana asked.

"If you must know I got into a fight with Ron when I went to visit Sterling last night at the hospital," Mallory admitted.

"Wow," Pam said. "You actually **went** to the hospital?"

"It was on the way to a restaurant we were going to," Mallory said. "I figured it couldn't hurt to check up on him before visiting hours were over. And our reservations weren't for another hour and we had time to kill so…"

"So what happened?" Lana asked.

"I sort of accidentally hit on a doctor when Ron was in the room," Mallory admitted.

"Sort _of accidentally_?" Cyril yelled.

"It was a reflex action!" Mallory snapped. "I was just trying to bump up Sterling's room accommodations for free!"

"I don't believe it," Lana groaned.

"Neither did I," Mallory groaned. "Turned out the doctor was just a male nurse. That was so embarrassing. All that for nothing!"

"And I take it Ron wasn't too happy was he?" Pam folded her arms.

"He was not," Mallory sighed. "We got into a fight in the car. Never made it to the restaurant. He dropped me off near our house while he went off to that damn diner."

"Seaside Diner?" Pam asked. "Where we had the food fight and Lana trashed the bathroom?"

"The same," Mallory groaned. "And where his former girlfriend now works and owns the joint."

"Is that Mary from Cincinnati?" Krieger asked.

"Bingo Bozo," Mallory grumbled. "I thought I saw the last of that frumpy little witch years ago!"

"Who?" Lana asked.

"Exactly!" Mallory snapped. "She's literally a face in the crowd. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one!"

"I meant who is Mary?" Lana asked.

"She's this little tramp Ron used to hang around with before he met me," Mallory waved. "She threw a hissy fit when we started going out and gave Ron an ultimatum. Either her or me. He chose me."

"And I'm guessing Ron now has regrets," Cheryl chirped.

"So do I," Mallory glared at her. "Every time you open your damn mouth."

"So what's all this with Cincinnati?" Cyril asked.

"After Ron dumped Mary for me she ran off with her fat tail between her fat legs back to her relatives in Cincinnati," Mallory explained. "Apparently not long after she got there one of her relatives died and gave her the diner in her will. She moved out here and has been running it ever since. It figures that you idiots would be the one to unearth her."

"Maybe Ron's just hanging around her diner to make you jealous?" Pam asked.

"No? You **think?** " Mallory snapped. "That plan might work if I didn't have a pair of working eyes!"

"Yeah? Well Mary has a working **diner** and that's the problem," Pam said.

"What are you blabbing about?" Mallory gave her a look.

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Pam said. "Or his dick. Or both. Depends on what happens on the first date."

"I hate to say it but Pam does have a point," Ray pointed out. "That food was really good there."

"And has Ron been putting on a little weight?" Pam asked.

"He did gain a pound and half last week," Mallory waved. "Hang on…"

"Yeah, you'd better do something to hang onto your marriage," Pam said. "And quick."

Mallory gave her a look. "You people are running another damn betting pool aren't you?"

"If you can make your marriage last for another three months that would really help me out," Pam said.

"Or four," Krieger added. "Go for four!"

"Mallory, can I give you some advice?" Lana suggested.

"Lana no offense," Mallory said. "But no. You can't. You are the **last person** I would take advice from on how to hold a man."

"Kind of offended," Lana folded her arms.

"Let's look at your track record," Mallory said. She pointed to Cyril. "You couldn't even keep **this one** from cheating on you. A man you once called human saran wrap because he was so clingy."

"Hey!" Cyril snapped.

"Truth hurts Cyril," Pam said. "Deal with it."

"I would take advice from Gillette before you on how to keep a man!" Mallory snapped. "That being said…All right Ray-Ann Landers. What do I do **now?"**

"Well the first thing obviously is **not** to do what Lana did," Ray pointed out. "And let Ron run around without a leash like Archer."

"HEY!" Lana barked.

"He's not wrong," Krieger shrugged.

"Don't give Ron **any opportunity** to be with this other woman," Ray said.

"Don't pull a Lana," Mallory nodded. "Got it."

"You know…?" Lana glared at her.

"The second thing I'd do is make that man some home cooked meals," Ray went on. "Don't give him an excuse to eat out."

"That's actually some good advice," Mallory frowned.

"With one little problem," Pam said. "Ms. Archer can't cook shit on a stick."

"I can **too**!" Mallory snapped. "Well grilled cheese. And I can make a salad."

"Call the Galloping Gourmet," Ray said dryly. "A new star on the culinary scene is rising."

"Do you have a solution Bareback Countessa?" Mallory snapped.

"Yes," Ray said. "Take a cooking class with Ron."

"Huh," Mallory thought. "That might not be a bad idea."

"You're actually going to **cook?** " Lana scoffed.

"Why the hell not?" Mallory snapped. "If it will keep Ron from drooling over that diner ditz I'm willing to give it a shot. Besides I'm getting tired of eating take out every night anyway."

"You still can't figure out how to turn that stove on huh?" Lana asked.

"Who the hell designed that damn thing? The Jetsons?" Mallory snapped. "I've been in control rooms for rocket ships that had fewer buttons. And it beeps every time I merely _look_ at it!"

"Didn't it come with a manual?" Cyril asked.

"Yes," Mallory said. "And it must have been written by the same people who write up those annual budgets for the United Nations because half of it is in some language I don't understand. And the other half that is in English is written in a way I **can't** understand. It's like it was proofread by Gustave Flaubert. It just goes on and on without saying anything!"

"Like most of the people who work here," Cyril quipped. "Hey-O!"

Mallory grumbled. "And don't get me **started** on the coffee machine. I don't know why I ever bought it."

"I don't know why I even come into work some days," Lana sighed.

"Me too," Ray agreed.

The following night…

"Are you sure this is what you really want to do?" Ron asked Mallory as they entered the classroom at the local community college.

"Why not?" Mallory asked.

"Because in all these years I've known you, you've never shown any **interest** in cooking," Ron gave her a look. "Your idea of prep work is having the refrigerator make ice for your drinks."

"Well I…" Mallory began.

"You've complained about how hard it is to butter your own toast," Ron went on. "Your idea of working hard in the kitchen is supervising how other people cook. You've used frying pans more for attacking people than actually cooking in them. The most valuable kitchen tool you've ever had was a corkscrew. You go to a four-star buffet and consider it slumming because you have to put your own food on your own plate."

"You _done?_ " Mallory gave him a look.

"One more," Ron told her. "The most complicated meal you ever made was a microwave pizza."

"You know…?" Mallory gave him a look.

"And even then, you had me take it out of the box for you!" Ron added.

"All right!" Mallory admitted, exacerbated. "I admit I'm not exactly Julia Child when it comes to cooking!"

"You're not even Julia Child when it comes to spying," Ron mocked. "So seriously, what's your angle here?"

"I admit our marriage is strained…" Mallory let out a sign.

"And who's fault is **that**?" Ron snapped.

"Oh, who remembers?" Mallory threw up her hands.

" **I do!"** Ron snapped. "I remember very clearly you hitting on that guy!"

"It was only a male nurse!" Mallory protested. "And I thought he was a doctor!"

"And that's supposed to make it **better**?" Ron snapped.

"In her mind, yes," Pam said as she walked by with Cheryl. "To be fair a doctor does have a higher pay grade."

"And free parking," Cheryl added.

"Let's not completely discard male nurses," Ray added as he walked by. "They're pretty skilled."

"You would know," Lana quipped as she walked with him.

"Still more credited than Krieger," Pam added.

"Not cool guys," Krieger pouted as he walked in with Cyril.

"Oh this is going to be fun," Cyril sighed.

"Why is it wherever we go **they** have to follow us?" Ron barked. "What are we? A freaking herd?"

"Well Lana is here because I asked her to come," Mallory admitted. "She needs to get her mind off Sterling."

"And Cyril?" Ron asked.

"Because his mind is **still** on Lana," Mallory rolled her eyes. "He thinks with Sterling in a coma he actually has a shot. And he's less likely to get shot by Sterling this way."

"And Pam?"

"It's food," Mallory told him. "It's pretty self-explanatory why she came."

"Phrasing boom!" Cheryl shouted.

"Carol is here because she's like a remora with Pam," Mallory went on. "Gillette is here because he and Lana are thick as thieves. And Krieger…"

"See?" Krieger said to Mitsuko who was floating next to him. "Now you can't say I never take you anywhere!"

"Yah like this does **me** any good," Mitsuko rolled her eyes.

"It's a night out!" Krieger snapped. "What do you want from me?"

"I honestly don't want to know," Mallory groaned.

"You really think this will make up for all the time you spent with old robot lady?" Mitsuko snapped.

"Shussh! Shussh!" Krieger looked nervously around.

"Oh, like it's such a **big secret!"** Mitsuko threw up her arms. "And not like she was the **only one** you bone with!"

"Okay where is your off button?" Krieger searched his pockets.

"You left it at home! Suckah!" Mitsuko stuck out her tongue.

"One of these days," Krieger made a fist. "One of these days…Pow! Right in the processors!"

"What the…?" Ron blinked.

"Don't ask," Mallory groaned. "For the love of God. **Don't ask."**

"I think I won't," Ron groaned. "From what I know about you and your weird crew of maniacs it's best **not** to know these things."

Meanwhile the rest of the gang were together at a cooking station talking. "I don't know why Mallory thinks a cooking class will save her marriage," Lana grumbled.

"Yeah if a few highly trained professional counselors couldn't do it," Cyril agreed.

"Guys look!" Cheryl squealed with glee as she looked at the cooking counter. She turned a knob and a small bit of blue fire on the range was seen. "Fire!"

"It's a gas stove burner," Lana said. "That's usually how these things work."

"Fire goes on. Fire goes off," Cheryl turned the burner off and on. "Fire goes on. Fire goes off. Guys. I have got to get one of these things."

"You probably already do," Lana said. "Don't you ever cook in your own kitchen? And even as I said those words aloud. Literally as I said those words aloud…"

"Oh right," Cheryl realized. "That's the place with the refrigerator and the microwave! I gotta check that out when I get home! Fire goes on. Fire goes off…He he!"

"Are you sure bringing Cheryl here with the possibility of **open flames** was a **good** **idea?"** Ray asked Pam.

"I don't think it's a good idea to bring Cheryl **anywhere** to tell you the truth," Pam admitted. "But she really wanted to come. On my…"

"Pam," Cyril groaned. " **Not tonight**. Please!"

"That's what Lana said when you were dating!" Cheryl snickered.

"You know…?" Cyril gave her a look.

"Now where are the fire extinguishers?" Ray looked around.

"All right class!" A dark haired older woman in her seventies with an uncanny resemblance to Liza Minelli walked in. She was wearing a lovely red dress with a green apron. "Let's all get settled in!"

"YOU!" Mallory gasped.

"YOU!" The Liza Minelli double gasped.

"Mary?" Ron gasped.

"Ron?" Mary gasped.

"Mary…" Mallory growled.

"Mallory," Mary glared at Mallory.

"Mary…?" Ron was stunned.

"Ron…" Mallory glared at her husband.

"Mallory!" Ron protested.

"Ron!" Mary snapped.

"Janet! Dr. Scott!" Krieger quipped.

"Brad!" Ray added.

"Rocky!" Krieger added.

"What the hell are **you** doing here?" Mallory asked Mary.

"I'm teaching this class," Mary said. "What the hell are **you** doing here?"

"We're taking this class," Ron said.

"What happened Ron?" Mary asked. "Your penthouse princess got tired of takeout?"

"Pretty much yeah," Ron said.

"Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"Well it's true!" Ron snapped.

"Oh this night just got interesting," Ray smirked.

"A little **too** interesting," Lana groaned.

"This is gonna be good," Mitsuko smirked.

"Told you that you were going to have fun," Krieger said.

"Okay fine," Mary sighed. "I'll be right back. I just need to get some labels. So, Mallory can learn where the stove is. And the on button."

"Oh, I know where your **on button** is, sister," Mallory hissed.

"Normally I use them for remedial students or people with severe brain trauma," Mary said as she left. "I think you might be able to catch on."

"Why don't you catch…?" Mallory made a fist as Mary left. Ron grabbed it and tried to hold her back.

"This is better than cable," Cheryl grinned.

"It is!" Mitsuko agreed.

"Mallory what's going on?" Lana asked. "Is that Mary? The one you were telling us about?"

"No, Lana," Mallory said sarcastically. "I was upset that we were having a class with Mary Magdalene. Turns out we are learning from a bigger tramp."

"Will you be nice?" Ron hissed. "This was **your idea**! Remember?"

"No! It was **hers!** " Mallory glared at Ray. "You signed us up to take cooking lessons from Ron's former squeeze?"

"I didn't sign us up for lessons!" Ray gave her a look. "You gave that job to Cheryl! Remember? Because you said you didn't want **me** to screw it up!"

"So that's why Cheryl called me up and asked me what Mary's last name was and…?" Ron blinked. "Uh oh…"

"WHAT?" Mallory barked.

"You just **love** causing drama don't you?" Ray looked at a giggling Cheryl.

"I do," Cheryl nodded. "I really do."

"Why do you keep **doing that**?" Cyril asked Mallory. "Giving Cheryl jobs just because you hate Ray for no real reason at all."

"Or just because you want her to do something," Ray added. "To be fair she doesn't always do that to spite me."

"Which turn out to be even bigger mistakes," Pam said.

"Shut up!" Mallory hissed.

"That means we're right and you know it!" Cyril added.

"Just saying don't blame me for this," Ray said. "No, keep giving jobs to Cheryl to spite me. Let's see how **that** works out for you."

"Like the decorating incident," Cyril added.

"Oh just shut up!" Mallory seethed.

"I thought you said she was fat," Pam said to Mallory. "She doesn't look fat."

"Well not compared to **you,** no," Mallory snapped. "I mean come on! It's like comparing A regular wall to the Great Wall of China. Or in your case Pam, the Great Wall of Blubber."

"There's no contest in that context," Cheryl explained.

"Exactly!" Mallory snapped. "I mean if you put a regular wall next to the Great Wall of China, obviously, the regular wall is going to look smaller!"

"All right class!" Mary walked in with some materials and put them on a table in front of the room. "Let's get to our stations! Two to a counter."

"Uh…" Cyril went to Lana. Lana pulled Ray to her counter.

He then wandered to Pam but she had Cheryl. Then to Krieger but then thought again. He backed away. "I seem to be without a partner."

"Well then you can come up here and help me uh…?" Mary asked.

"Cyril," Cyril introduced himself.

"Cyril," Mary said smiling. "I have a nephew named Cyril. Lovely boy. You seem like a nice man. What are you doing working with her?" She indicated Mallory.

"Technically it's my agency so…" Cyril said nervously. Mallory narrowed her eyes at him.

"Oh I see," Mary smirked at Mallory. "You're in charge but she thinks **she's** in charge. What a shock. Well in this class **I'm** in charge. Let's introduce ourselves to the rest of the class. I am Mary Morelli, **your teacher**."

"La de freaking da," Mallory grumbled under her breath.

"I think we all know who Mallory is," Mary said. "And **what** she is. And Ron too. Who I know very well. Very, very well."

"Because you used to bone him," Pam called out. "We get it."

"And apparently, Ms. Archer isn't getting it," Cheryl added.

"Oh, go stuff an eggplant into your mouth!" Mallory snapped.

"Let's move on, shall we?" Mary went Lana and Ray's station. "You are dears?"

"I'm Lana," Lana said.

"You're the one who destroyed my bathroom aren't you?" Mary gave Lana a look.

"Not on purpose," Lana admitted. "It was an accident."

"Yeah her big hands accidentally destroyed a sink," Cheryl giggled.

"Shut up Glue-ia Childish!" Lana snapped.

"They are rather big aren't they?" Mary realized. "I should get you the larger sturdier cooking utensils. And you are?"

"I'm Ray," Ray said.

"Honey you should really wash that ar…Is that your actual **hand?"** Mary did a double take at Ray's bionic hand. He had taken off his glove to cook.

"Yeah," Ray admitted. "It's a robot hand. I lost mine to a killer plant."

"What happened?" Mary asked. "Why does it look like that? Did you forget to check a box or something?"

"Apparently," Ray said.

"Okay," Mary said. "Good to know if I ever need any spare parts."

She moved over to Pam and Cheryl. "Hi! I'm Pam," Pam introduced herself. "And I love to cook."

"Like no one here could have figured **that** out," Mallory said dryly.

"It's nice to have someone in my class that's so **enthusiastic** about learning," Mary said nicely. "Unlike **some** people." She gave Mallory a look.

"Please," Mallory grumbled. "If she was any more enthusiastic the floor would break."

"I'm Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt," Cheryl grinned.

"And/ **or?** " Mary did a double take.

"Long story," Pam sighed. "Don't ask."

"Those are the two names I usually go by," Cheryl said. "Although every now and then I like to change things up. Sometimes I'm Crystal. Once I was Tanya…"

"That was just for one night technically," Pam said.

"For some reason, I was thinking of changing it to Charlotte but I don't know why," Cheryl shrugged.

"Well whoever you are it's nice to have you here," Mary sighed. "What there is of you anyway…" She moved on.

"Guten Tag!" Krieger said cheerfully. "I'm Doctor Krieger!"

"What the hell…?" Mary did a double take when she saw Mitsuko. "Excuse me but does everyone else see the floating woman with the pink hair too? Or has my medication gone bad?"

"That's Mitsuko," Krieger said. "My uh…friend."

" _Friend?"_ Mitsuko snapped.

"You know society has problems with our relationship!" Krieger told her.

"That never bothered you before you started boning robot lady vagina!" Mitsuko snapped.

"What?" Mary blinked.

"Don't ask," Everyone else in the room said.

"So, uh, Doctor Krieger…" Mary coughed. "Are you a doctor of engineering or…?"

"No, not really," Krieger waved at Mitsuko. "This is more of a hobby."

"Oh now I am a **hobby**?" Mitsuko snapped. "Is that how you see our relationship?"

"Keep it up woman!" Krieger snapped. "One of these days I will figure out how to erase your hard drive. If I can find it!"

"So, he's a medical doctor?" Mary asked in a confused voice.

"Technically not that either," Krieger coughed.

"Then what kind of…?" Mary began.

"Don't ask," The rest of the class said.

"He's the one who gave me my hand," Ray said.

"That explains a lot," Mary groaned. "Let's just press on, shall we?"

"Today we will be doing a very simple three course menu," Mary said as she went to the front of the class. "Stuffed mushrooms, cranberry chicken with diced roasted vegetables and crepe suzette."

"Crepe **suzette**?" Cheryl's ears perked up. "That's the one you set on fire, right?"

"Yes," Mary said.

"EEEEEEEE!" Cheryl grinned wildly. "We're gonna set something **on fire!"**

"Uh excuse me," Ray held up his non-bionic hand. "Where are the fire extinguishers?"

"Fire! Fire! Fire!" Cheryl giggled manically. "I think I wet myself just thinking about out! EEEEHHH!"

"Seriously, fire extinguishers," Ray asked. "Where are they?"

"There's one over here," Mary pointed. "And an extra one behind my desk."

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" Cheryl grinned.

"You have any others?" Ray asked casually.

"There's an extra one in the classroom next door," Mary said in a worried tone. "If you wouldn't mind getting it…"

"No problem," Ray went to get it. Using his super speed to get it and come back. "Got it."

"Wow you're fast," Mary blinked in surprise.

"Yes, he's a regular Speedy Gay-Zolez," Mallory quipped. "Can we get on with this?"

"Fine," Mary put some labels. "For some of you less advanced students, like Mallory. This is a stove. This is the **on button** on the stove."

"Pay attention Ms. Archer," Pam said.

"Our stove doesn't look like that!" Mallory snapped. "It looks like something NASA built."

"I found on button!" Cheryl cheered. "Oven goes on! Oven goes off! Oven goes on! Oven goes off!"

"Wish Krieger-san would go off on me," Mitsuko pouted.

"I was tired last night damn it!" Krieger snapped.

"Just out of curiosity Mallory," Mary said. "Where the hell did you find these people? Discount day at the circus?"

"Don't ask," Mallory groaned. "But I know how to turn on a stove!" She pushed a button.

Ron looked at the stove. "That's just the oven light."

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory pushed another button.

"That's the timer," Ron said.

"Do **you** want to do this?" Mallory snapped.

"Honestly it might be faster if I did," Ron remarked.

"And now the burner!" Cheryl cheered. "Fire on! Fire off! Fire on! Fire off!"

"The button is to the right Mallory," Lana said.

"I know where it is Lana!" Mallory snapped as she pushed another button.

"That's the oven lights again," Mary groaned. "Apparently not."

"Fire on! Oven on!" Cheryl kept playing with the oven. "Fire off! Oven off!"

"The oven is still off!" Ron snapped at Mallory.

"I can see that Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"Can you see the clock?" Mary said. "This class is only about four hours."

"I can find it!" Mallory snapped.

"Mallory, do you want me to show you how to turn it on?" Lana sighed.

"Phrasing boom!" Ray spoke up.

"Lana turning things and/or people on is **not** your specialty!" Mallory snapped. "I've got this! There!"

"And that is the timer again," Ron said.

"I know where the damn on button is which is more than I can say for **you**!" Lana stormed over to Mallory's station. She pushed the on button hard. "There!"

CRACK!

"Oops," Lana blinked as the button crumbled beneath her finger.

"Great! You broke it," Mallory grumbled.

"Well at least the oven's on now," Ron said.

"Honey just do this school's budget a favor and just stand at your station and watch," Mary groaned.

"I love our nights out," Cheryl grinned.

"Me too," Pam admitted.

Later that evening…

"Very good Cyril!" Mary twittered. "You're excellent at cutting up vegetables."

"Well I have dabbled before," Cyril smiled with praise as he cut up some vegetables. "But it's always good to get some pointers."

"Watch what Cyril is doing class," Mary said. "You could learn a lot."

"I just learned Cyril is the class suck up," Lana grumbled to Ray who snickered in agreement. Ray was cutting the vegetables and Lana was miserably standing there, not allowed to do anything.

"Mallory, you should pay attention to what Cyril is doing," Mary said. Mallory and Ron had moved to another station.

"Why should she start **now**?" Ray quipped. Lana giggled. Cyril glared at them.

"You should be paying attention, **Mallory** ," Mary said with malicious emphasis as Mallory was cutting some vegetables.

"Trust me honey," Mallory gritted her teeth. "I know how to use a **knife!"**

"Uh sweetheart," Ron gulped as he noticed how Mallory was holding the knife. "Maybe I should take a turn at cutting the vegetables for a bit?"

"I'm **fine** , Ron," Mallory glared at Mary.

"She's really not that good at sharing is she, Ron?" Mary said sweetly.

"No, she is not," Ron sighed.

"Especially absinthe," Ray added.

"She can be a bee-aach about that!" Pam agreed.

"Die you stupid vegetables!" Cheryl was happily cutting up vegetables. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"Pam, why is Cheryl cutting up the vegetables?" Cyril asked in a terrified voice.

"Honestly, I didn't think it would be worth the hospital bills if I took the knife away from her," Pam admitted.

"What about **our** hospital bills?" Cyril snapped.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl maliciously chopped more vegetables. "Who knew cooking could be so wonderfully violent?"

Ray pointed his knife at Cheryl. "You stab me again bitch, I'll stab you back!"

"Please! I already did you!" Cheryl scoffed. "You're no fun! You didn't even scream! Then again you were paralyzed so…"

"Carol, you are not allowed to stab anybody!" Mallory snapped. "AGAIN!"

" _Again?"_ Mary gasped.

"You are not my cooking supervisor!" Cheryl pointed with her knife.

"Mary, I forgot to warn you," Cyril groaned. "We don't give Cheryl knives."

"We don't even give Cheryl scissors," Ray added. Then he noticed something. "Krieger what are you **doing?** "

Krieger was working on the stove. "Just having a little look see!" He casually threw out some wires. "I don't think those wires are important."

"WHAT THE…?" Mary shouted. "What are you doing?"

"Taking apart this oven and fixing it to make it better," Krieger said matter of factly. "Duh!"

"You can't do that! He can't do that!" Mary protested.

"Honestly just leave him alone," Mallory waved. "Trust me, ignoring him will just make things go smoother."

"I'm not so sure that's such a good idea," Ray gulped. "Remember what happened at Grizzlebee's when he got curious about the animatronic bears?"

"And the sex robots?" Pam called out. "And the other robots…"

" **Sex robots?"** Mary did a double take. Then she looked at Mitsuko who stuck her tongue out at her. Mary cautiously moved away.

Mary looked at Ron. "These are the people that run around with your wife huh? Interesting choice of friends."

"Technically it wasn't that much of a choice," Mallory grumbled.

"Stab! Stab! Stab!" Cheryl cackled as she chopped the vegetables in front of her into tiny pieces.

"Interesting isn't even the **word** for it," Ron groaned. "Let's just say there are a few days I wonder why I married **this one**!"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Truth hurts Sweetheart!" Ron snapped at his wife. "Deal with it!"

"Ooh, now things are getting good!" Mitsuko grinned.

"I had no idea adult education was so interesting," Cheryl stopped chopping to watch what was going on.

"This is about to get even more interesting," Pam smirked.

"Oh, you poor man," Mary said sympathetically as she held Ron's hand.

"Okay hang on here…" Mallory growled.

"What wrong Mallory?" Mary purred. "I'm only being a little sympathetic. To a poor slob who had **no idea** what he was getting into."

"Really? How about being a little obvious?" Mallory challenged.

"I would think being obvious is more **your talent** ," Mary challenged back.

"At least I have talent!" Mallory snapped.

"It's not considered a skill unless it's **outside** the bedroom," Mary quipped. "Or in your case a street corner!"

"Why you little…" Mallory seethed.

"Why do I keep **coming** to these things?" Lana grumbled. "I know that they're going to lead to nothing but trouble but I keep coming anyway. Why?"

"Eh," Ray shrugged. "It's more entertaining than cable."

"Listen Mallory!" Ron was getting fed up. "You of **all people** shouldn't be jealous! Considering how many times I've seen how you flirt around your **ex-boyfriends!"**

"Oh, that's right you've mentioned that to me before," Mary said. "Right in front of you if I recall from our little talks."

"Like all the freaking time," Pam said.

"PAM! SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR BIG FAT MOUTH!" Mallory shouted.

"She was mad because Ellis Crane was flirting with Lana instead of her," Pam spoke up.

"Is that so?" Ron snapped. "HA!"

"That is **not** minding your mouth Pam!" Mallory snarled.

"Well it just goes to show," Mary said. "You can't make a housewife out of a Park Avenue Playgirl."

"Did you just call me a _hooker_?" Mallory snapped.

"No, of course not," Mary said with a smile. "I find hookers more honest and trustworthy than **you**."

"Oooooooohhh!" Ray, Pam and Cheryl said as one.

"And here we go," Cyril groaned.

"Okay let's just put our cards on the table bitch!" Mallory snapped. "You've been jealous of me since day one! You've always been jealous!"

"Jealous?" Mary snorted. "HA! That's a laugh! Jealous of **what?** "

"Of everything I have including Ron!" Mallory snapped. "My money…"

"Not that much money as it turns out…" Ron interrupted.

"My status in society…" Mallory went on.

"That has crashed and burned like the Hindenburg," Cheryl added.

"My career," Mallory added.

"Again, Hindenburg," Cheryl made crashing noises. "Oh, the Humanity!"

"My beauty," Mallory added.

"HA HA HA HA!" Ray cackled.

"My style and class…" Mallory went on.

"Anybody want to touch **that one?"** Ron called out. "Anyone? Because that's a loaded comment if there ever was one!"

"Not even with a twenty-foot pole," Cyril groaned.

"My thin supple body!" Mallory preened.

"Well a diet of only alcohol will do that," Lana said. "And it is a preservative."

"My family," Mallory snapped. "I have a son and grandchildren and you're as barren as the Sahara Desert!"

"Yeah it's a shame I never whelped an unconscious alcoholic vagina hound," Mary snapped.

"Okay I'll give you **that one**. My collection of furs," Mallory added.

"Please!" Mary snapped. "I've seen better coats on rats with mange!"

"Face it, Mary," Mallory snarled. "You hate me because I took Ron from you. I managed to close the deal in months which you couldn't do in years! I stole him from you and you can't handle it!"

" _Stole_ him? HA!" Mary snapped. "More like **bamboozled him**!"

"That's actually pretty accurate," Ron groaned.

"Listen mister…" Mallory growled at her husband.

SCCRRRRAAAKKKKK! FIZZLE!

"What the hell was that?" Ron asked.

"Uh guys…" Krieger coughed as the station he was at seemed to fizzle and smoke. "We have a slight problem."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Mary shouted.

"I thought I'd soup up the oven a little," Krieger said. "Give it a little more of a kick."

"I'd love to give Krieger a kick," Lana grumbled.

"Me too," Mallory agreed.

FOOOOM!

"Okay I definitely should not have crossed those two wires," Krieger blinked as the station was set on fire. "Good to know."

"Huh," Ray blinked. "Honestly I thought if anyone would start a fire it would be Cheryl."

"Me too," Pam agreed.

"God I love cooking!" Cheryl squealed with delight.

"Get the fire extinguisher!" Ray grabbed the one he took then noticed something. "Someone cut the hose on this!"

"MEEEE!" Cheryl squealed with glee. "And I did it with my little knife."

"Cyril get the fire extinguisher!" Lana shouted as the fire grew even bigger.

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREE!" Cyril sprayed the fire extinguisher. "Did I get it?"

"YOU GOT US YOU SWEATER VEST WEARING MORON!" Mallory shouted. Everyone else was covered in foam.

"You got everything but the **actual fire!"** Ray shouted. "Which is getting even bigger!"

"Get another fire extinguisher then!" Lana shouted.

"It's too late! It's gonna blow!" Krieger shouted as he ran out of the room.

"So glad I am a hologram," Mitsuko followed him.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Mary screamed.

"Just once I'd like to go somewhere where I don't have to run for my life!" Cyril shouted.

Thirty minutes later…

"Wow that is a big ass fire," Pam remarked as the Figgis Agency watched the firemen work.

"It shouldn't have gotten out of control like that, should it?" Cyril asked.

"Well the sprinkler system was obviously faulty," Krieger shrugged.

"That's not all that's faulty around here!" Mallory snapped. "I should have known not to bring you idiots anywhere!"

"You should but you never do," Cheryl giggled with glee as she watched the fire. "Best class ever!"

"My classroom…" Mary was stunned. "They burned down my classroom…"

"Technically that was only Krieger," Ron coughed. "But yeah that sprinkler system was obviously faulty. And the ovens for that matter."

"Ron, I have been teaching cooking classes for over twenty years," Mary said. "And I have had my share of **strange people** and mishaps and even a few fires…But tonight tops the list!"

"You have no idea," Ron groaned. "This isn't even the craziest night I've ever spent with these people. And that includes my wife."

"I believe it," Mary said. "Because these people…Are **crazy!"**

"I know," Ron sighed. "I know."

"I mean I feel bad for Cyril for being around these people," Mary said. "But odds are he's crazy too."

"Well maybe **now** ," Cyril shrugged.

"So, uh," Krieger spoke up. "Did we pass the class or…?"

" _Seriously?"_ Ray glared at him.

"What do **you** think?" Cyril snapped.

"No?" Krieger asked.

"No," Cyril glared at him.

"This isn't going to affect our grade point average, is it?" Cheryl asked.

"Mary, I really feel like I owe you an apology for…" Ron stopped. "Well basically everything. Including the fire."

"Uh oh, Ms. Archer…" Pam whispered to Mallory. "There goes your marriage…"

"Again, in a ball of white hot flaming destruction," Cheryl added. "Hindenburg 2.0!"

"This is the stupidest…" Mallory fumed.

"You really are sorry about everything aren't you Ron?" Mary asked softly. "GOOD!"

"Huh?" Ron blinked.

"You honestly think I would take **you** back after how you treated me? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!" Mary shouted. "You had your chance and you **blew it** mister!"

"Mary…?" Ron gasped.

"Don't Mary me, loser!" Mary snapped. "You made your own snow bed with the Ice Queen so you lay down on it! That's it! The first time your _friends_ or **whatever else** they are wrecked my diner! Then they wrecked my classroom! There's not going to be a **third time** Mister I Can't Commit to a Decent Relationship! A **dysfunctional one** yes! But not a _decent one!"_

"You are still so dramatic," Ron snapped. "Have to be a drama queen about **everything** , don't you?"

"Even more than Gillette," Mallory sniffed.

Ray shrugged. "That's fair."

"I can't believe I wasted so many years on you! But no more!" Mary snapped. "Never! Never! Never! I'm going to sell my diner and move back to Cincinnati! WHERE **NORMAL** PEOPLE LIVE!"

"Is that a crack at us?" Pam asked.

"It's not a compliment," Cyril groaned.

"So take a good look at my ass Ron!" Mary snapped. "Because that's the **last** you are ever going to see of it! Which has to be a better sight than the human skeleton you're married to!"

Mary turned to Mallory. "And you…You want that idiot! He's all **yours**! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!" She stormed away.

"Wow." Pam blinked. "What a bitch."

"I think I just figured out why you two never got married," Mallory said to Ron.

"Yeah, I forgot she can be a real pill sometimes," Ron groaned.

"Trust me Ron," Mallory said. "I think you dodged a bullet marrying me."

"Too bad I couldn't dodge a **real bullet** after I married you," Ron groaned.

"Oh how long are you going to bitch about **that?** " Mallory snapped.

"My scar still hurts!" Ron snapped.

"It's not even a full inch," Mallory groaned. "My god I've had bigger scars going to a beauty salon!"

"And they're off again," Ray remarked as Mallory and Ron started fighting. "I think it's safe to say their marriage is intact. At least for another week."

"Mostly because nobody else will have either of them," Pam remarked.

"That's about it, yes," Ray nodded.

"Well let's see the total of tonight's damage," Cyril sighed. "We broke some ovens. Burned down a building. Saw a huge fight between Ms. Archer and Ron. And another fight with Ms. Archer and Ms. Marconi. And then another fight with Ron and Ms. Marconi. And now still **another** fight between Ms. Archer and Ron."

"And I got a knife!" Cheryl revealed she still had the knife. "I'll call you Mr. Stabby!"

"Oh dear God…" Cyril groaned.

"Anybody want to go out for pizza?" Ray asked. "I'm starving."

"I could eat," Lana sighed as the Figgis Agency walked away from a fighting Mallory and Ron. "Krieger since you burned down the building you're buying."

"That's fair," Krieger shrugged.

"I can't wait to tell Archer about this one," Pam chuckled as they walked away.


End file.
